the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
