She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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