porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
