Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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