I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize