If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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