I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
