Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
