the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
