I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
