dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
