u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
