on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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