Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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