the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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