bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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