i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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