just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
