Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
