I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
