im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
