she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
