you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
