you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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