I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
