I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
