Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize