I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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