when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Randomize
