If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
