can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
