She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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