It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
