The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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