i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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