I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
