i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
