You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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