In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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