The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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