I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
