Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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