Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
