This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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