Me. At least after what I've been through.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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