Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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