come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
