my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
