I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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