I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
