I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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