we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
