I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
