He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
either way he was missing a nipple.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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