and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
